Dear Saurus.....13/01/08

Dear Saurus,

This is hard. So hard that I’ve already started crying again after only writing a few words.

I miss you today. I missed you yesterday. I’m still living in a surreal world, clinging on to the old us, the old you. I don’t want to be Claire, I want to be Saurus’ Clairey, his other half. I’m alone, but feel as though I should wake up and everything will be back to normal.

I will wake up with you sunggled up on my arm, our legs tangled up and the end folded over. I’ll look down and kiss you on the head, and you’ll just squeeze me tighter and say ‘sleepy’. I’ll eventually persuade you to get up and we’ll play fight over who has to get up first – always me of course.

But tomorrow I will wake up alone, as I did today and will do on Tuesday. No snuggles, no kisses, no silly sausage. Without my boyfriend, my best friend, my lifeline.

Every morning I will wake up, alone, just as I will fall asleep the next evening in my own cold bed. I cry myself to sleep, I cry until I force myself to get out of bed.

I am angry today, and hurt. Dispite loving you with every fraction of my heart and soul, you have broken them into a thousand aching pieces. My stomach turns, my heart is heavy, my body is tired from the upset you’ve caused me.

You have committed the ultimate act of betrayal. A cowardly, disrespectful, deceitful, and destructive thing. It is the worst part I feel pain from at the moment. You could not talk about the way that you felt about me, so took the ‘easy’ way out. It makes my stomach sick to think of you with another woman, it makes my head hurt, and it makes me want to scream so loud that my lungs would burst.

Why couldn’t you talk to me? We had a good summer and our birthdays were fun, how can your feelings have changed so much over a few months? Why couldn’t we have talked about it as we have done before? Why did you feel so desperate for another woman that you had to lie and cheat behind my back?

I know that you haven’t had a girlfriend other than me, I understand that you may wonder what is out there and you find that hard to deal with sometimes. But why do you have to have other people to compare me to? Why do you need to have slept with other girls, dated other girls, danced with and been away with them, to know that you love me? I forgave you before, surely that means something to you? I forgave you and trusted you – no questions asked – because I knew that you had a curiosity. I thought you were over it.

I know that we don’t always get on, no couple does. Sometimes you’re a grumpy pants and sometimes I am – no sleep, stress, sadness – its all part of life and living. We have always been there for each other to talk to and support, and ultimately have been happy together. A relationship is to be worked at and you cannot expect to wake up every morning thinking you love me, some days you may like me, some days you might not, and some days, those special days, you will have fun with me and remember that you love every piece of me, inside and out, no matter what.

The last month of term was the hardest it has been for us for a long time. After we got back to uni you lost interest, distanced yourself from me, I was always your very last thought. I tried to be silly, have fun and make you smile, I tried to make you love me but you didn’t care or see how sad you made me. I cried myself to sleep so many nights because my Saurus had faded away and a bare skeleton of Frank was all that was left.
The last weeks were so hard. You went out with everyone except me. You left me at the High Peak diner on my own – you knew I would be alone. I cried so much that evening, feeling rejected, unloved, uncared for.

I knew something was going on, you would never leave your phone, you read messages secretively. What used to be fun, cuddly, and wonderful love making, just became sex. You used me as and when you wanted and paid me no attention. No kisses, no teasing, no nothing. That night at home when you woke me up for sex, I was almost crying the whole time. I felt like a prostitute. It was the first time you had ever made me feel worthless and disgusting. I hated it.

But I defended you, in my own head and to my friends who said you were not treating me well again. I didn’t allow the thought that you would be cheating on me to even enter my head – you promised. I trusted.

I know that I slept with someone else. I feel sick thinking about it, because of how I had broken your trust and been so disrespectful to you, even though it was when I was at the ultimate low and was drunk. After it happened I was so afraid of loosing you. I knew we were having a bad time, but we always pull through. I thought that when we got home for Christmas you wouldn’t be stressed, or busy, or unhappy, and we would start being a couple again, I was so scared and I didn’t want to loose you. I am still ashamed and sorry for what I did, no matter what the circumstances were, and I always will be.

The hardest part is because of Vienna. We had the most amazing time didn’t we? We explored together, chatted like we haven’t had a chance to do for ages, we were silly, cribbaged, got drunk, danced, meeped, kissed and cuddled. We had fun nights like we used to, and you made me smile for every second of it. I was no longer your dirty sex object, I was the girl you loved. You were my wonderful Saurus, and I was your happy Clairey. With every passing second the love I had locked away for you came flooding out of me, despite the pain. It was like a first date, remember?

I felt that you loved me more than even on our holiday, can I really be that wrong?

Those feelings are making this so much harder. How can you say you don’t love me, after having had more fun together than we have ever had with anyone ever before. Why do you need to see other girls to realise that?

I want to wake up in Vienna again, have snugly morning sex, take a shower together and go exploring. I want to go and see the rest of the animals in the zoo, and skate on the icy pebbles.

I want to go travelling with you, I don’t think I could do it alone either.

I want to go climbing with you. I want you to go climbing with me, even though there are a hundred other people far better than me that you could go with.

I want to go to Grandpa and Diana’s with you.

I want to go to all your family doo’s and be there with you, saving you from the babies – even though you adore them all and will make a fantastic father.

I want to give blood with you and have you hold my hand in your big palm when it hurts. I want to put your feetses up and look after you when you feel dizzy.

I want to have fun, be silly, kiss and cuddle you, meep you on your cute wonky snozzle.

I want to be the one for you.